On memory

Memory disguises itself in the physical.
A smile... a familiar tune... a special place.

Today i learned that... the hard way.

Enslaved Idiots

You idiot..!

How can you even love her that much? How do you still feel all that for her? Do you really think you’re not clear enough? Do you really think she didn’t notice? How can you even pretend to just be friends? I’ve seen the way you watch her when she’s not looking. How can you hide it, and say you don’t, when she occupies every breath you take? How stupid are you not to notice how she treats you? Can’t you see that she doesn’t feel the same for you? Can’t you see that she doesn’t love you back? How can you be so attached to someone that doesn’t even care? Don’t you even have the least bit of self respect? Don’t you disgust yourself every morning when you wake up? How can you not see that life is not only her? How can you not feel any happiness from anything else? How can you not look around you and see the people who care for you?

You idiot..!

All this time, how didn’t you notice the things I feel for you? How didn’t you notice someone who looks at you everyday loving someone else? How can you not notice my dancing eyes when I see you? How can you not notice the trembling in my voice? How can you not see right through me? Are you really that blind? Why do you enjoy every moment with her and not me? What is it that makes her so special? I DON’T GET IT..! How could I do that to myself? How could I help you to be with her only to see you happy? How did I allow myself to be your secret keeper? How did I ever become this person? How did I become someone I hate?

You idiot..!

What is it about love that makes us so weak and stupid? How can we sacrifice and forgive beyond self-respect? How do we fool ourselves into becoming all that we hate? All that is wrong with the world, in the name of love? Why do we lie, envy and hate in the name of love? Why do we turn into jealous ignorant monsters for love? Why are we blinded from seeing the truth?

That love doesn’t exist… and its just an excuse for being idiots.

written: 18.02.2010

Still

Every night I stay up, thinking of you. Torturing my being. Pressuring my body beyond it's limits. Till I faint, and my body let's go. Every night. For you.

And still you don't know.
And still you don't feel.

And still you wouldn't care.
written: 07.11.2010

Good morning

It’s been hours… I’ve been here… lying in bed silently… breathing quietly… thinking… imagining… if I could ever be happier than this… this is THE moment of my life… I’ve finally found it… and I wish if it would be this way forever… it’s you… lying there in front of me… your silhouette hidden underneath the soft white sheets that you love… one of your legs partially uncovered… breathing shallowly… sleeping so innocently… like a small baby… the early morning rays of light coming from the window make your white skin shine… and your golden hair glisten… I slowly raise my hand to move the hair covering your face… you’re such a heavy sleeper… my fingers rub by your cheeks by mistake… a shiver runs through my whole body… the small hairs on my arm go on alert… electrified… I draw back quickly… your skin feels so soft… tempting… if you only knew how much I love you… if I could only stay trapped in this moment forever… watching over my sweet angel sleep… you start to turn… now the light rays come directly onto your face… today I will show you how much I love you… I will prove it… I realized your waking up when you started smiling even with your eyes still closed… your smile that makes everything perfect… and through the small opening starting to form between your eyelids… I see two tiny blue circles… blue as the sky… your smile widens… your lips finally part… and your sweet voice comes rushing through… “good morning baby… been up early?”… “good morning my love… no I just woke up too.”


written: 12.09.2010

Unfulfilled Promises

What do they all mean… all of these pictures of you… of us… scattered on the floor… what do they mean… all these memories I cant erase… every second we spent together… what do they all mean when I can never see your face again… I can never touch your hand… or hear your breath… when I can never feel the warmth of your embrace… ever again. What does it even matter if I cry… what does it matter if I stop breathing… if I let go of my life… What difference will it make if I hate you… or love you… what difference will it make if I dream of you in my sleep… or spend sleepless nights thinking of you.

Everything here smells so fresh and new, the bright white walls, the empty wooden cupboards, the untouched linens… the white dress laying on the bed… Everything unused… withered and spoiled. Everything soul-less. My paradise turned hell.

I hate you death. Every time I look at this ring on my finger… I hate you more than anything I ever did. I hate you for coming so fast… so surprisingly… I hate you for not giving me any warnings… for not giving me any chances. I hate you for taking away my happiness before it was complete. But I hate you the most for not allowing me to say goodbye.

All of his promises… shall remain unfulfilled. Just words that resonate in my head… every morning… every day… every night… I will hear them… and dream of them… of how it would have been to be with him forever…

Yet I will love again… I will dream again… plan again… I will have my paradise… and I shall one day wear that dress. And when you come to take me away… I will smile… because I know it is with him I shall be.

And that, oh dear death, is my slap to you.

written: 05.02.2010
based on true events