Random Note (RN) 01

I look you in the eyes... and with all the uncertainties... with all the impossibilities... i say... leave me be.

The question

It will haunt you day and night... till its intolerable... and its pain unbearable.
And still it shall remain unanswered...

What if...

Remember

Walk the streets… wait helplessly to cross… and remember me.

Drink the water… enjoy the meals… and remember me.

Speak the language… and when you fail… remember me.

Let the loud horns drive you crazy… and the polluted air paralyze you… and remember me.

Spend hours in traffic… go brand shopping in the mall… end your day in the same café… and remember me.

Look with disgust at the tainted dirty buildings… and the donkey carts…

Feel overwhelmed by the smiling faces… and the scarcity of trees…

And remember me.

At every corner… every shop… every sidewalk…

And with every special place… or memory… stop… and remember me.

May every second you spend… every breath you take… every scene… every person you look in the eyes… may every step you walk… every word you say… and every feeling… remind you of me... and how wrong you were.

Remember me… and suffer…

Over and over again…

Remember me…

And suffer.

written: 28.04.2011

How Do I Love Thee?

How Do I Love Thee?
Elizabeth Barrett Browning

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.

I love thee to the level of everyday's
Most quiet need, by sun and candlelight.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.

I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints, I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life! and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death

Shame

If you only knew how many times i wrote to you...
If you only knew how many words...

you would feel ashamed treating me the way you do...

You still ask...

And you still ask...
And you still wonder...
And you still can't see...

That your question was answered
And that the answer had gone rotten

But you still ask...
over and over again...
no matter what... you still ask

سكرانــــــــة

سكرانــــــــة

من كام شهر
خدت قرار مش هاكتب شعر
وإني هذاكر وانجح أفلح
واخد البكاليريوس وأتجوز
وأشتري عفشتي بالتقسيط
من كام شهر
أنا كنت عبيط
من كام شهر
زرعت المياه وطرحت فجلة
جاب العجل الفجلة لعجلة
وقالها مهرك
ريحة قهرك
فايحة في نهرك
قالت إوعا تعيش كسلان
بابا نويل بيوزع يويو في حرب إيران
شامم ريحة جبنة قديمة
فيلم السهرة مكنش سياسي
كان عباسي
عبدالناصر حب يقلب فينا الروس
ساوى الروس
لبرل نفسك
لأجل ما تبقى مثقف زي صاحبنا إياه
عندك ماركس عندك هيجل
عندك حسن البنا وحجي
عندك زحمة
صفي ونجي
منحى عرض النسكافيه واخد إفيه
حاصل ضرب النكسة في حرب أكتوبر في معاهدة ديفد
بيساوي حاصل ضرب النار في التار في العار
وزي إمرؤ القيس وجلامدة
اللي بتنزل من علي
عندينا واد اسمه علي
بيطلع الدبابة ويلف بيها في البلد
ومراته دايرة بشعرها تدور عليه
ومتسألوش أنا قصدي إيه
أنا نفسي مش فاهم كلامي
بس الكلام واعر حويط
أنا اللي دون الناس ... عبيط
من كام شهر وكنت بحبك
كنت بوضب روحي واحبك لأجل ما أقابلك
كنت في كل حلاتك قابلك
تفرحي قابلك
تزعلي قابلك
تتقلي قابلك
كنتي الأرض وكنت سنابلك
كنتي الحرب وكنت قنابلك
حتي في بعدك وإنتي مسافرة
وبيني وبينك ألف محطة
كنت بقابلك
عمري يا نانا ما قلبي اتنازل ولا ساب حقة
زي ما سابلك
عمره ما ضحى بسهده وسهره وجاب من عمري
زي ما جابلك
هذا الوجع بقاياكي
سحر تمدد بين ضلعي
وتواري خلف سلم منزلك
ترك لكي رسالة كل صباح
وسافر
يشهد عليكي السلم المستني خطوتنا
تشهد عليكي الشبابيك اللي فتحتيها علشاني في نص الليل
وعز البرد
يشهد عليكي محل الهدايا اللي ع الناصية
وكشك الورد
تشهدعليكي هدومك اللي قولتلك ما تلبسهاش
تشهد عليكي إمتحاناتي اللي علشانك مدخلتهاش
تشهد عليكي ودني هوستن جورج مايكل
عم شوقي بتاع الفطير
كيف يصير الحال كده
م الإبتدا
أنا اللي غلطانلك
وأنا اللي محقوقلك
وأنا اللي دون الناس
عشقتك
كنت عايش جوه صدرك حلم دافي
كنت بنسى الناس وأجيلك يوم معادك
يكش حافي
كنت أبسط من بسيط
واكتشفت إني ف هواكي
كنت دون الناس
عبيط

هشام الجخ

You...

I’ve finished them all… over you… the letters… the words… the screams… the tears… the sleepless nights… the torturing thoughts… the blinding memories… I can no longer smell the scents of flowers, see the beauty in sunrises… I can no longer smile back at a baby… I can no longer feel cold or pain… or the warmth of the sun on my skin… I’ve finished all the truths in my life… over you… all the genuine happiness…all the disturbing confusions.

and all my choices were you.

written : 26.02.2011

Tonight

sirens wail
screams and chants echo
piercing the silence
metal clashing
blood stains the ground
the walls
courage and fear blend
sacrifice and victory
tonight we rise
with flowers and smiles
unbroken
tonight we rise
united
to change it all


11.02.2011

Kept Promises

I told you so...
once...
when i believed in you...

I told you it would come...
this day...
when i thought you would be here...
when you assured me you would...

I kept my promise...
You lied.

Battles

Like fire and air... you consume me.
Like waves and sand... you keep me.
Like leaves in the wind... you engulf me.
Together into our final battle...

With the dancing candelight in your eyes... the gentle touch of your hand... the warmth of your breath...
With the raised eyebrows... and your glowing smile... I surrender... to your love
Every night you win...

But tomorrow is a new day.

On truth

What if truth had no significance?

Would you still lie to me?
And... would i still believe you?

Would you know, then, how much i hate you?

On memory

Memory disguises itself in the physical.
A smile... a familiar tune... a special place.

Today i learned that... the hard way.

Enslaved Idiots

You idiot..!

How can you even love her that much? How do you still feel all that for her? Do you really think you’re not clear enough? Do you really think she didn’t notice? How can you even pretend to just be friends? I’ve seen the way you watch her when she’s not looking. How can you hide it, and say you don’t, when she occupies every breath you take? How stupid are you not to notice how she treats you? Can’t you see that she doesn’t feel the same for you? Can’t you see that she doesn’t love you back? How can you be so attached to someone that doesn’t even care? Don’t you even have the least bit of self respect? Don’t you disgust yourself every morning when you wake up? How can you not see that life is not only her? How can you not feel any happiness from anything else? How can you not look around you and see the people who care for you?

You idiot..!

All this time, how didn’t you notice the things I feel for you? How didn’t you notice someone who looks at you everyday loving someone else? How can you not notice my dancing eyes when I see you? How can you not notice the trembling in my voice? How can you not see right through me? Are you really that blind? Why do you enjoy every moment with her and not me? What is it that makes her so special? I DON’T GET IT..! How could I do that to myself? How could I help you to be with her only to see you happy? How did I allow myself to be your secret keeper? How did I ever become this person? How did I become someone I hate?

You idiot..!

What is it about love that makes us so weak and stupid? How can we sacrifice and forgive beyond self-respect? How do we fool ourselves into becoming all that we hate? All that is wrong with the world, in the name of love? Why do we lie, envy and hate in the name of love? Why do we turn into jealous ignorant monsters for love? Why are we blinded from seeing the truth?

That love doesn’t exist… and its just an excuse for being idiots.

written: 18.02.2010

Still

Every night I stay up, thinking of you. Torturing my being. Pressuring my body beyond it's limits. Till I faint, and my body let's go. Every night. For you.

And still you don't know.
And still you don't feel.

And still you wouldn't care.
written: 07.11.2010

Good morning

It’s been hours… I’ve been here… lying in bed silently… breathing quietly… thinking… imagining… if I could ever be happier than this… this is THE moment of my life… I’ve finally found it… and I wish if it would be this way forever… it’s you… lying there in front of me… your silhouette hidden underneath the soft white sheets that you love… one of your legs partially uncovered… breathing shallowly… sleeping so innocently… like a small baby… the early morning rays of light coming from the window make your white skin shine… and your golden hair glisten… I slowly raise my hand to move the hair covering your face… you’re such a heavy sleeper… my fingers rub by your cheeks by mistake… a shiver runs through my whole body… the small hairs on my arm go on alert… electrified… I draw back quickly… your skin feels so soft… tempting… if you only knew how much I love you… if I could only stay trapped in this moment forever… watching over my sweet angel sleep… you start to turn… now the light rays come directly onto your face… today I will show you how much I love you… I will prove it… I realized your waking up when you started smiling even with your eyes still closed… your smile that makes everything perfect… and through the small opening starting to form between your eyelids… I see two tiny blue circles… blue as the sky… your smile widens… your lips finally part… and your sweet voice comes rushing through… “good morning baby… been up early?”… “good morning my love… no I just woke up too.”


written: 12.09.2010

Unfulfilled Promises

What do they all mean… all of these pictures of you… of us… scattered on the floor… what do they mean… all these memories I cant erase… every second we spent together… what do they all mean when I can never see your face again… I can never touch your hand… or hear your breath… when I can never feel the warmth of your embrace… ever again. What does it even matter if I cry… what does it matter if I stop breathing… if I let go of my life… What difference will it make if I hate you… or love you… what difference will it make if I dream of you in my sleep… or spend sleepless nights thinking of you.

Everything here smells so fresh and new, the bright white walls, the empty wooden cupboards, the untouched linens… the white dress laying on the bed… Everything unused… withered and spoiled. Everything soul-less. My paradise turned hell.

I hate you death. Every time I look at this ring on my finger… I hate you more than anything I ever did. I hate you for coming so fast… so surprisingly… I hate you for not giving me any warnings… for not giving me any chances. I hate you for taking away my happiness before it was complete. But I hate you the most for not allowing me to say goodbye.

All of his promises… shall remain unfulfilled. Just words that resonate in my head… every morning… every day… every night… I will hear them… and dream of them… of how it would have been to be with him forever…

Yet I will love again… I will dream again… plan again… I will have my paradise… and I shall one day wear that dress. And when you come to take me away… I will smile… because I know it is with him I shall be.

And that, oh dear death, is my slap to you.

written: 05.02.2010
based on true events